Among Kazakhs, there is an old tradition: on the day after the wedding, the groom’s family invites their close relatives and seats the newlywed bride at the head of the table, right by the doorway, to serve tea to the guests.
It’s clear that this tradition originally emerged, first of all, to introduce the bride to the groom’s close relatives, and secondly, to demonstrate her domestic skills: how she prepares food, sets the table, pours tea, and so on.
Many people consider this a good old tradition.
But I disagree. In my view, the very setup of this ritual is inherently discriminatory toward the bride. It’s as if she’s being tested before being accepted into the new family. And she’s being judged not on her intellect, moral character, or professional abilities, but solely on her domestic skills: whether she can cook, how deftly she pours tea into bowls, and whether she keeps quiet modestly while the elders talk.
This kind of evaluation of the bride is not far removed from the medieval tradition of hanging a bloodied sheet outside as proof of the bride’s virginity. It’s the same test and the same attitude toward the bride—not as a person, but as a commodity.
If we want to build a modern and civilized society in Kazakhstan, we must move away from this treatment of brides. Young women are not property or acquisitions—they are equal participants in a marriage. A bride should not be expected to serve anyone, nor should she act as someone’s maid. In today’s world, a bride can be a scholar, an entrepreneur, or a civic leader. And really—if she doesn’t know how to cook beshbarmak or gracefully pour tea into piyalas, does that make her a bad wife?
“Kelin shai” is more than just a tradition. It reflects how we perceive the role of a bride in her husband’s family. Until we recognize her right to matter beyond the kitchen, such traditions will continue to hinder social progress and women’s emancipation.
Do you agree with me?
Have you experienced a kelin shai yourself? Was it a pleasant gathering for you? And would you hold one for your future daughter-in-law?
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